Friend Jack

If you board a plane and see a friend of yours named Jack, whatever you do, don't call him out: "Hi, Jack".

A mistress

A mistress is what goes in between a mister and a mattress.

An actor

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

Happy ending

The play had a happy ending - everyone was glad it was over.

Alcohol

Alcohol may be slow poison, but who's in a hurry?

DVD

Never buy a DVD in the street from someone who is out of breath.

Sleep

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.