Two giraffes

Two giraffes were in a race; it was neck and neck.

Defenseless animal

I love defenseless animals, especially in gravy.

Credit card

How do you stop a bull from charging?

Take away his credit card.

Endangered animal

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Nuts & bolts

Another way to have fun is to bring nuts & bolts with you and then show them to the person sitting next to you once the ride has begun.

An ambition

An ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Terminal

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Friend Jack

If you board a plane and see a friend of yours named Jack, whatever you do, don't call him out: "Hi, Jack".

A mistress

A mistress is what goes in between a mister and a mattress.

An actor

An actor is a man with an infinite capacity for taking praise.

Happy ending

The play had a happy ending - everyone was glad it was over.

Alcohol

Alcohol may be slow poison, but who's in a hurry?

DVD

Never buy a DVD in the street from someone who is out of breath.

Sleep

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Tomato

Never ask a two-year old to hold a tomato.

Your advice

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

Advertising

Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half-truths.

New & improved

How can a product be "new and improved"? If it's new, there has never been anything before it; if it's an improvement, there must have been something before it.

The old lady

Did you hear about the old lady who accidentally plugged her electric blanket into the toaster?
She spent the night popping out of bed.

Axident

A truckload of onions overturned on the highway. Motorists are advised to look for a hard shoulder to cry on.